Nobody wins when everybody's losing.

Hey everyone. It's like 7:45am and I'm up. Not sure why, but I am. I don't have anything planned for the day except look for a job and soccer this afternoon. Two things that are pretty much daily activities for me. Just that the job hunt isn't going that great. Thank you Michigan's economy, I love you too.

There's a new song out, well, new to me atleast. It's called "Not Meant To Be" by Theory of a Deadman. It has a few key lines in it, and although it's supposed to be about a relationship, I feel that it can be a life song too. At least about my life I can relate it. One of the key lines is the very first line in the song..."It's never enough to say I'm sorry / It's never enough to say I care" I know I'm not perfect, by any means. I screw up a lot, but hey I'm only 18. Mistakes are supposed to help you learn and make you a better person right? And it's not like they're mistakes that are getting me in trouble with the law or anything like that. I screwed up and didn't pay close enough attention to my bank account, and I overdrafted. At a bank when you overdraft, they for some reason think that you have the money to pay it back, and therefore the charge you extra every day you don't pay it back. National City tend to charge you $8 a day. The worst part about it... you don't even get a notice until 10 days after the fact. Now you're about $80 in the hole. I had a long discussion with my parents saying, ifyou pay off the $80 it will be easier for me to pay it back to you. My mom simply agreed, and said she would go to the bank after work that day. (It convienently was the one day of the week that the bank was open after 5pm). Well, what really happened, was that I went to do my daily activities and carried out my plans that I had for the day. I got home around 8pm and was eating dinner when I remembered about the whole bank issue. Whelp, low and behold my mom forgot. She didn't go pay it. Matter of fact, it took her over two weeks to pay it. It was over $200 when I dragged her in their to pay it. It's not her looking bad, its me. I know it's my fault still, but if you say you're goin to do something DO IT. I now owe my parents over $200 because my mom just didn't go to the bank and take care of it right away. Because of this amount, my parents keep tabs on EVERYTHING they do for me. If they treat me and my boyfriend out for a dinner or a breakfast, it goes on a tab. If they give me a bit of gas money, it goes on that tab. Not to mention car insurance payments, and cell phone bills. I thought for sure my parents would cut me some slack. I say Sorry, but and I really mean it, but my mom doesn't accept the word sorry. She really doesn't. She doesn't think I care, or mean it. Really I do... I care a lot about my actions.

Another lines goes like this; "Nobody wins when everyone's losing". I play soccer. I play on a co-ed adult team. It has its really fun times, but lately it's just been a pain in the ass. You go, expecting your team to be pumped and ready to go. Why else show up right? No, it rarely worked that way for this team. We showed up, people already expected to lose. Yeah, we were the farthest from the best. Nothing is wrong with that. I don't mind losing the game, but I can't stand being around losing attitudes. You'll never win at anything if you don't have the confidience in what you're doing. I did horrible in highschool, up until the end of my junior year and all of my senior year. I didn't think I could do it, and I really didn't think it mattered. I was told for the past 8 years or so that I wasn't college material, so I didn't believe in myself, and figured I would just join the Air Force by enlisting instead of going through college first. Why all of a sudden did it change? Well after applying for the airforce, and taking thas ASVAB, I was declined. Not just once, but twice. I have an eye condition that doesn't really like me, and the Air Force really doesn't like when your eyes are messed up. My recruiter fought for me as best he could, but it didn't cut it either. I had the most dreadful phone call of my life, twice. To have to hear the fact that the United States Military didn't want you because of something you can't prevent. Something that is controlled by medicine. I got my grades on track after that, knowing that I failed somewhere along the line of school. I was a happier person, looked at school as a better place and no longer as a prison. (It still reminded me of a prison though, just by how it looked). Haha. I had a better life, up until graduation that is.

The third line that really gets me is; "It's like one step forward and two steps back / No matter what I do you're always mad". This one goes to my parents. My mom yelled and yelled about me and a job. First off, when I was in school and had a job she hated the fact that I was working all the time, and eventually made me quit. Since I lived in her household I had to oblige by her rules. She was complaining again in teh second semester of my Senior year of school, and I knew I had to get a job for the summer. So I applied to Cedar Point. Low and behold, I got a job. She didn't believe me. I had to have my employer call her to confirm it with her, and then when she did believe me she wasn't happy about it. "That's not a real job". Well what is a real job?! Something with 40 hours a week right? Yes, but also in my moms book it must include benefits. Well you know what, at 18, good luck finding that job. I went and worked at Cedar Point anyway, and no I wouldn't go back. I have my reasons, but if you want to work their, I wouldn't tell you to go, but at the same time I wouldn't tell you not to. It was a great experience, but everyone takes things different ways. Try it if you would like. After I worked their, and came home, I had to get a new job. It took me nearly 5 months to find a job. It was a full time job, but again didn't offfer insurance. On the other hand though, my mom loved this job. I'm not sure why, but she did. I had told her that I wanted to apply to be a camp counselor this summer for the parks and rec program. It too was a full time job, and paid a bit more than what I was getting paid in my office job. My mom had said "If you quit a full time job for a Summer job you will no longer live here". The application was available for one day, and that was the next day (saturday). I didn't do the application, because I knew I'd get the job, becuase my neighbor said I would if I applied. (he's in charge of it). I wasn't in work Monday, had it off, but that Tuesday I got laid off. Of course right? Just because I didn't fill out the application. If I just would have filled out the application, even against my moms wishes.

Impossible to just be 18?

I grew up on the lower class level, and I'm cool with that. I never got all the things that I wanted, and I'm cool with that. I wasn't handed a car for my sixteenth birthday or even graduation like my other siblings, but I'm pretty cool with that. I graduated on time, and I'm really proud of myself for it. I didn't do the best I could have, and the only person I let down is myself. So why is everything about being 18 so damn hard? Why do my parents treat me different than my siblings? Is it fair? I don't really know.

My parents are in their 50's. I have siblings in their 30's and in their 20's then me and my twin brother at 18. We are the last to graduate out of the nine of us. Also out of the 9 of us, only six of us graduated. I wanted a car, but had to pay my parents $3K for one. I got over that. I worked a job, and got laid off. My mom just stopped getting paid child support from my dad, and all of a sudden, we're tight on money. I don't know how that is if my stepdad makes nearly 6-digits and my mom works too. Sure, we live in a fairly decent sized home, that taxes are probably high on. Honestly, this house is too big for our family, and it just collects dust. I hate living here, therefore am gone 90% of the time.

I feel that if I am home, I'll just be pissed off all the time. And that's true. I realize that if Scott (my boyfriend) is around, I'm a lot happier, because he atleast makes me laugh. He might not be able to make everything in my life better, but he can keep the smile on my face.

I don't like not having a job, and not having money. I don't really understand why my parents can't help me out with gas, or my car insurance payments. At the very least, my cell phone bill. No, they just pay it off and make me pay them later. They're keeping tabs. I am up to about $800 in debt to them. Who puts their own kid in debt? My mom. That's who. Her biggest thing in life, the only thing she ever wants from anyone, is money. It doesn't matter if you're her kid, or her best friend. If money is involved she makes sure she gets the better hand on it. She'll offer to give me a list of things to do around the house, and pay me. So I do the shit she asks, and get what... $6-$12?! That would be making a whole $2 an hour. That's not even minimum wage... or even close.

Only one of my older sisters went through college. My parents started to pay for it, but eventually she took over becuase she had a full time job, and could pay it herself. Plus she's nearly 26 and it is her responsibility. I don't even get the option to go to school. I asked my parents if they would pay the $20 for my Eastern Michigan Application, that's all that needs to be done to pay for it, and they turned me down. "You're not college material" That's all I hear. Every time that college is brought up, my mom's favorite line is "You're not college material." She'll say it over and over. How the hell do you know?

I worked at Cedar Point in the Summer of 2008. Every thing was going great until I got really, really sick. For health reasons, I came home early, and that's all I heard about for hte next two months. How Andrea couldn't stick it out at Cedar Point for five months. It was a hell hole. They were treating us like shit, and they weren't offering us health insurance. Sorry the $7 an hour I got paid wasn't enough to run my ass to the hospital when I was running a fever of 103 on a daily basis, and couldn't stand up with some balance. I was getting massive migraines, and it was bad. After about 4 or 5 months being home, I had landed a job at Grand Info. A company that did judgment recovery and title research. After working two months there, they laid me off. How wonderful? Welcome to Michigan's economy right?

My mom blames me for not being prepared to be laid off. Sorry, it's not something I want to be prepared for, because it's not something I want to happen. I had told her I was going to sign up to be a camp counselor for the parks program this summer instead of the job I was working out, and she told me that if I do that and quit my 40 hour a week minimum wage job for a summer job that I was not allowed to live in this house anymore. So, I decided to not apply for the job, and just work where I was working. That all went about on a Friday/Saturday. The Following Tuesday, I got laid off. FML. I believe my mom originally thought I had quit, but I know the truth. We had a huge cut in our office, and it left me without a job.

Here I am again looking for a job. My parents are constantly making comments about me playing soccer too much, or I put too much money into soccer. I don't really put as much into it as they had thought, but it is the one thing that I love to do. It's probably the one thing that keeps me out of trouble, keeps me sane. I live my life to play the game. I don't want to go professional or anything like that, atleast not playing. I just love the game more than anything else in the world. No one can step between me and soccer. No one. Definitely not my parents.

When I was 17, I had tried to enlist in the United States Air Force. They declined me... twice. I have an eye condition that can come on whenever it wants. With medication it stays under control. They didn't care. I missed out on a dream I had had since I was 5 years old. I took the test, I filled out the application, all I had to do was get sworn in. Didn't get through though, because I had got dismissed. That phone call was the worst one I have ever recieved. On top of that I had to hear it again. I didn't want to get out of bed, and I didn't want to leave my room. It took me weeks to get over it. If I could have just done that, I would not be here in this house, with out a job, with out insurance, with out anything. I would be traveling the world, as a stronger person. I would be a part of a team that is great. I would be me. An individual.

That's all I really want to be. I want to be me. An individual. An Eighteen Year Old. Andrea-Mae Fasten. I just want to be me. How come it's so damn hard?!

Fasten Out.