No real title.

Where to begin. I'm not sure what's been going on in my head. I haven't really liked what my life has been like. I feel like I'm different from the rest of the family, and sometimes it really gets to me. Sometimes I feel like I get a bit depressed over it, and just want to pack my bags and leave, but I know that I can't just leave my family behind. Sometimes it's what I want to do, but that's because they push me just that far. I feel like they're out to watch me fail. I feel like a failure in their eyes. I don't know.

My siblings are all very slim. My one sister might weigh 100 pounds. I realize that she's only about 5'0 tall, but she's one of my moms favorite. Another older sister is an athletic trainer. She is very muscular, and in very good shape. We weigh about the same, but like I said she is all muscle. I on the other hand, am not. My twin brother has always been really skinny/fit. He joined the guard, and got in even better shape. My oldest brother is also in the military, but the air force. He too was always skinny growing up, and yeah he's put a bit of weight on since high school... but then again he's been out for over 15 years. I constantly feel fat. I have tried eating better, and I exercise all the time. I feel like nothing really works. People say don't look at the scale, look at the inches you lose. I don't really see either one of them going down. I feel so big.

My boyfriend constantly says I'm beautiful, and although I believe him, sometimes I feel he just says those things because he's my boyfriend and he doesn't want me to worry about it so much. But my weight is slowing me down. I need to lose it. I am the slowest on my team, and probably one of the heaviest. I feel like my weight isn't healthy, and is the reason that I'm sore all the time. I really, really want to lose it. I don't know how to lose it though.

I feel like, if I moved out, I could be able to pick up a better diet. As of now, my mom and stepdad buy all the food... and neither of them really try to lose weight. Both of them are extremly over weight. My biggest fear, other than failure, is t o turn out like my mom. I absolutely do not want to be like her in anyway, shape or form.

I wish I could just wake up one morning and be the weight I want to be. Not this weight. I think I'm going to start a health diary, and every day just start weighing myself and keeping track and see if I go up or down. I'm sure with soccer and school going on I will probably go down a little bit more, but when it's over... what happens then? I'm not sure. I don't like this. I don't like it at all.

As of Tuesday, September 29, 2009 at 12:13 am I weigh: 140lbs. My Goal: 120-130.

I want to love my body. Love my weight. I want to be proud of myself!!

I'm out for now. I'll be back... probably.